Although I was desperate to have children, I wasn’t excited about the prospect of giving birth; in fact, I often wondered how the human race has survived at all. I’m terrified of pain, even more terrified of needles, and I can’t stand hospitals. But I figured I’d get pregnant and then worry about my phobias. So that’s what I did.
I knew how painful labor was supposed to be, but I wanted a natural birth without any drugs. Plus, the thought of a giant epidural needle made me want to die (and I knew it had the potential to affect the baby too). I also wanted to avoid a C-section at all costs, because there was no way anyone was coming near me with a knife. So with these dilemmas in mind, I devised a genius plan to have a pain-free, drug-free, needle-free birth. It involved hypnobirthing and a water birth. I should also mention that I’m a control freak and like everything to go according to plan. Perfect for childbirth, I know.
I loved the idea of the more relaxing experience of a water birth. And I was drawn to hypnobirthing because of the promise of a gentle, calm, and natural birth. The theory is that the fear associated with childbirth actually creates physical pain. The program “unteaches” you all the negative things you might think about birth and instead instills techniques for breathing, visualization, and self-hypnosis, which are all meant to help you reach a state of deep relaxation during labor, to combat the fear and consequent pain. Ideal for me and my phobias.
I dragged my husband to weekly hypnobirthing classes, which I could tell were way outside his comfort zone. We watched videos of relaxed earth-mother types in labor, read self-hypnosis scripts aloud, and did group visualizations. I also listened to the relaxation CD we were given every single night. Finally, when I was 10 days overdue, I arrived at the hospital to be induced. But I was told the water birth was a no-go as soon as the doctors realized I had a heart murmur. I should have been given antibiotics in advance, but this somewhat important fact had been overlooked, and it was too late. My heart sank. My careful plan was already falling apart.
Once I was induced, labor started quickly, the pain going from 0 to 10 in what seemed like minutes. I forgot everything I learned in hypnobirthing. I no longer felt in control. The air turned blue as I screamed the F-word every time I had a contraction. I couldn’t help it. Meanwhile, my husband froze like a rabbit in the headlights. I think he was wondering if I had been possessed by demons. I remember thinking “how I wish I’d arranged a doula.”
After five hours of contractions, which felt like 15, I was told I had dilated less than half an inch. This was not the news I wanted to hear. Then things suddenly shifted up a gear as the baby became stressed, and within minutes they were prepping me for the C-section I didn’t want. What followed was a blur. I still had to have that giant needle in my back to numb me, and I had to be knocked out, as they didn’t have time to wait for it to work.
Fast-forward an hour or so, and I came round. The nightmare was over. In my arms was my beautiful, tiny baby, but instead of the pain-free, drug-free natural birth I hoped and planned for, it had felt more like a horror movie, with me playing the lead role. I had been subjected to all the things I had been desperate to avoid and I couldn’t do a thing about it. The ordeal put a damper on what should have been a very happy moment and I had conflicting emotions. Of course I was thankful for my baby, but I also felt traumatized, angry it didn’t go the way I wanted, and annoyed with myself for not being tougher.
Did it put me off having another one? Despite everything, no—and I realize this is why the human race has survived. Did it make me braver? I wish I could say yes. Next time around, I had to have a planned C-section, so I chose to be knocked out (anything to avoid that epidural). It still wasn’t easy, but at least I knew what was coming.